How much time you spent pushing the buttons on the answering machine. Squashed in the corner of our bedroom, leaning against the wall.

You would press them all and then worked out which one was the intercom. It would make all the phones beep and you would just let them beep – for so long.

You would keep deleting our message if someone called so I got sick of having to record it and left it blank. That is how it stays.

When dinner was finished and it was time to clean up, I would have to sneak in and out to quickly shake off the crumbs from the table cloth. I had to be quick because you would want to be outside any chance you got.

When I got back in though and would try to fold it up you would run through it like a bull – and a new game began.

I would run towards you and you to me and I would drag the table cloth over you like a bull fighter to a bull. I would try to make sure that it would touch you as much as possible without getting caught or tangled on you. Didn’t always work and I would sometimes drag you down. No problem for you though, you would just bounce up and keep playing.

How much time was spent in front of the oven – pushing the buttons, turning the dials and looking at your reflection.

It was a place for you to park yourself and play, looking at yourself and then also trying to find our faces to give us a big smile. Maybe because we were always around there and you wanted to be near us, that makes me happy and sad. Having you on the floor there also meant that we sat down in the middle of the kitchen just to be near you. We would lean against the cabinets and play with you, or just watch, have you crawl over us or sit in between our open legs.

On Thursdays you would stay with Nonna. Sometimes when I arrived to pick you up, you & Nonna would hide from me in the pantry. I would open the door and you would give me one of your big grins.

One Sunday we attended a fundraiser for one of daddy’s friends in Port Melbourne.

There was a group of older boys playing soccer on the oval. You weren’t shy and decided you wanted to join in. As they kicked the ball to each other you ran around trying to catch the ball and have a kick. They were so nice and let you join in. You had so much fun.

I decided to try and take you to Story Time at the library to see if you liked it. We got there a bit early so I could get you used to the surroundings. You quickly had to touch everything possible – especially the computer!

The story began and all the other children were sitting with their mums and listening carefully. You weren’t interested. Up you got stealing maracas off the other kids, taking books off the shelf and playing with the rubbish bin. We stayed for 10 minutes then we left. I guess Story Time wasn’t for you, but at least we gave it a try.

Picking you up and running around was another of my memories.

Arms out in front of you, on your stomach, I would fly you around the house. Laps of the table, around the couch, into the kitchen then another lap – you would be hysterical and laugh yourself into silence – so hard that your face would glow red, eyes shut.

Even started to cry out something that sounded like “Daaad!”, as if to say “Enough!”. I will now go on pretending that is what it was.

Running around, then pretending to run into Mum, backing up and then running at her again. All this usually ending up in a group hug.

I don’t know why you were so fascinated with them. I would try to distract you so they wouldn’t catch you staring. But it never really worked.

You loved playing with your friends every Tuesday morning. Stealing toys & food off each other. You got along so well with all the kids. Even when Abigail would pull your hair you wouldn’t cry – you would just let her do it.

I remember the first time you spotted Chloe’s tea set. You sat there by yourself for some time just playing with it. Not long after I went and bought you your own and you loved making tea since then.

Your last Mothers Group was at our house and it was a great morning.

If you were ever restless when we were out and I wanted to distract you I would do a You Tube search for these songs.

I think I liked watching them more than you did.

You loved our trips to Safeway because you loved being in the trolley. You especially liked it when we would go past other kids, you would give them a big grin.

Recently you had started to pull things off the shelves so I had to carefully park the trolley far away enough from the shelves but not in the middle of the isles in everyone else’s way.

You would still lean right over the trolley and try your best to grab whatever you could.

Everyone would always comment on your beautiful long lashes.

One night when Mum was going out to dinner with mothers group mums, I thought it would be a good idea to take you to the park for dinner.

I packed up your pram with extra jumpers, wipes, cutlery, drinks, snack options, everything I could think of to make it work. We walked to the pizza shop and then I had to keep you happy while waiting for the pizza to cook. We walked down the street to the park and then it all turned to shit.

I realised I had forgotten your shoes and you decided you didn’t feel like pizza. You walked around in your socks, only interested in the drinking tap and the puddle of water and mud at the bottom. I tried the food options but nothing really worked. We played for bit but then I was worried about your dinner. You cracked it when I put you in the pram, arching your back and dropping you lip.

I tried to get home as quickly as I could and then got something else ready for dinner, probably baked beans. You ate all that and later had you milk. All OK in the end.

I had grand plans but they just didn’t work out.

It always meant we’d never hear a full song but we’d hear the first 5 seconds of every song.

This was not something that you did a lot of, apart from when we transferred you from the car seat to your cot. I always wished you would lie down with me more or on me more. There was one time though that you did, another memory that I love.

We went to see Uncle Peter in hospital for his hip operation –  a sunny, warm weekday afternoon. We must have left home around 1pm to work with the hospital visiting times and I knew that you would fall asleep in the car. We hoped it would be as soon as we left home, but like it happened many times, it was just before we arrived. We shrugged our shoulders and said “Oh well,” thinking the afternoon would be grumpy through lack of sleep.

I slowly picked you out of your car seat and got you into position in my arms, you stayed still and we waited for you to lift your head but you didn’t. A little surprised we went into the hospital and to the room. We didn’t try to be quiet, we talked, the TV was on, I was moving around but you kept sleeping. It must have been close to an hour in all, you were heavy but never too heavy. You may have even dribbled on me, we were definitely sweating but I really loved that.

Being that close to you, while you were still – I can feel your pressure on my shoulder now, your warmth.

You calmly woke up, through scrunched up eyes you tried to work out where you were. Quickly wanting to get to the ground and you were off to explore. It didn’t last long, but I have it forever.

The way you would copy us and talk on the phone – phone in hand, hand behind head, almost talking to your elbow while walking around.

You always wanted to watch the Wiggles on the iPad instead of the TV. Even if I had put your DVD on the TV you would still point to the iPad as well.

Whenever the weather was hot enough we would take the opportunity to take you to the beach. You loved the water, sitting in the water for ages with you orange spade kicking your feet.

We would then sit on the towel and have dinner of sandwiches and fruit.

We met up with Silvija & Dean at Xanadu one morning. While we drank coffee & had a chat you and Dean played together on the equipment.

You both made your way over to the ball pit and had a play there. There was an older girl in the ball pit who you were fascinated by. I can still see your big grin so clearly as she offered you a ball to hold. You had a thing for older girls!

We then decided to give you some turns down the giant slide. You loved it. Laughing all the way down. When we reached the bottom you would quickly jump up and run to climb the stairs again.

Mum and I would go and eat ourselves silly, and push you around in the pram 4×4 style. We gave you some of our middle eastern pastry and then you had paella.

At some point we ended up on the beach side of the festival on the grass. You were out of your pram and dressed in your uniform – grey beanie with ear flaps, zip up hoodie, grey denim and you black runners – timeless. You were pulling on the temporary fence, falling over, staring at people on the other side of the fence and even playing up to a security guard in the area. I stood back to just watch you be you, trying to give you your space, see where you’d end up – so nice.

And after that, a very smelly nappy change on the grass in front of Windows by the Bay.

When eating sultanas I would have to give you only a couple at a time otherwise you would put a handful in your mouth.

When eating teddy bear biscuits you would chew on the biscuit but never take it away from you lips.

A particular memory stands out for me. I went to work with Nonno one day and you stayed with Nonna. While driving back along Nonna’s street I saw you holding Nonna’s hand walking down the footpath. You recognised the car and gave me this huge grin. It was your “look at me” smile. You looked so happy.

Nonna tells me that you walked all the way down to the end of the street holding her hand and you were so happy to be outside.

I would often drive up Nonna’s driveway in the afternoon and find you & Nonna checking the mailbox.

Almost everything that I would eat or drink I would have to share with you – another thing I looked forward to. Toast, fruit, juice whatever.

A bit for me, a bit for Isaac.

It was always the best bits for Isaac. I made sure you had the evenly toasted, evenly buttered piece of the centre of the bread. I would eat the watermelon closest to the skin so you would have the riper sweeter piece at the tip of our wedge shaped piece.

I only ever wanted the best to be yours.

I think more so because of your new kitchen, you had started tapping the ground to make sure we understood that you wanted us to sit down and play with you. How could I resist that, and I had to sit and play, or at least be near by.

When we ordered Chinese we had to hide the prawn crackers otherwise you could eat the whole packet.

You had a thing for taps. My first memory of it was an afternoon we spent at Nonna Toni’s house while Daddy had a meeting. We had a picnic in the backyard and then you found your way to the tap in the ground. You spent ages there just playing with it.

At home whenever we were outside you would spend ages trying to work it out. You knew water came out somehow.

Nonna tells me that you did the same thing at her house. You would rush over to the garden bed just to play with the taps.

And had started to say them all.

I don’t know why but you loved the blue cooking mat. It thought it was useless and would just stick it in the bottom drawer of the kitchen out of the way.

One day you opened the drawer and found it and was so happy. You picked it up and rushed over to put it on the table where your cooking things were.

From then on I would just keep it in the bottom drawer to see your excitement every time you found it.

You absolutely loved the Wiggles. I’m so glad I took you to their concert. You sat on Daddy’s lap the whole time and didn’t move. Your eyes didn’t leave the stage and you even clapped at one point after a song. I just sat and watched you for a lot of the concert. It was priceless.

When the concert ended though you weren’t happy and started crying. You were lucky enough to have a photo with Greg. What a great day.

I bought you a pair of slippers for winter but they were a little big. You didn’t like wearing them because they slipped off but you did love to pick them up to touch and stare at the Wiggles picture on the front. You loved anything Wiggles.

You would point at the chicken and try to wind the clock yourself.

You loved to play with older kids. In particular you loved Alana & Natasha. You were mesmorised by them, especially Natasha. You even knew who they were by name. I would tell you sometimes “Guess who we’re going to see today – Natasha & Alana!” You would just give me a big grin.

I remember one night when they were over it was late & you were tired so I was putting you to bed. You had your milk on my bed but as soon as you finished you jumped off the bed and rushed back into the lounge to play with them. When I put you in the cot you just cried for ages (which you don’t do) so I took you back out so you could go and play again.

You were so happy.

You knew you weren’t allowed to touch the candle near your toys, but you were always fascinated by it and couldn’t resist a quick touch when you thought I wasn’t watching. Sometimes I would let you think you got away with it and then you would just continue playing with your toys.

Under the table, in your room or in the bathroom

You loved pushing buttons and the ones on the answering machine were one of your favourites. You would play back messages on the machine especially the ones left by Nonna. Most of the time you would just let the beeping go on and on – I found that so annoying. But I wish you would do it all day long now.

Sometimes if you were a bit sooky at night and wouldn’t sleep I would sit down beside your cot. You would come up as close as you could to the railing to be near me and stick your hand out to grab mine. You would stick my hand under your chest to sleep on it so you would know if I tried to leave. Sometimes I thought you were sleeping so I would slowly take it out only for you to realise and put it back again.

I didn’t realise I would do it until I noticed you copying me. Because your runners were a bit tight to get on at first I would grunt when I put them on you. It makes me realise how much you would notice the little things that I would do.

You would follow me into the toilet whenever I had to go and at first would rush straight to the bath. You would pull your toys out of the bag and throw them in the bath. After that you would curiously come over and smile at me. You would point to my pubic hair as if to say “what’s that!” then point at my belly button and give me a big smile. I don’t know why you thought it was so funny.

I loved your feet. I would always kiss them after I changed your nappy. When you were lying on your change table I would put your feet to my face and pretend to smell them, then push them away and say “they stink” and pull a face. You would laugh.

Moves like Jagger
Somebody that I used to know

I don’t have much of a view from my desk, but a few times a week, when you would go out with Mum, I knew my view would be perfect.

Mum would back the car in, get out and open your door. Then you would lean forward and look around your carseat to my window where I would be looking for you just as excited. If I wasn’t at the window, I would coming out to open your door myself – jumping to scare you or hiding to make you smile when you saw me.

Your eyes and smile from around your car sear were everything. You made me so much happier than I could ever make you.

I have to sit at the desk without that view now, without your noise from the other side of the door, without so much.

My view will never be the same.

Apart from how happy you would get from us mentioning “Is it time for a… BATH!”, then there was the act of the bath. It was such a well rehearsed routine – start the water with the flick switch at just the right angle for the right temperature, drop in the plug, towel on the floor and start to undress. Last thing off was the nappy and then into the water and straight to the toys.

From my point of view it was a chance to check you over – your bits were OK (even though you hated us going near there), checking your toenails weren’t hurting you, cleaning your bum and making sure it wasn’t red. The greatest feeling was your smooth soapy skin. Checking your growing arms and legs, strong with muscle, and I dreamed even then of what you would be.

Flawless, I just loved touching you and pouring water on you to make sure that you weren’t getting cold.

Other (most) times when Mum would give you a bath it was me being silly, stomping my feet from around the corner yelling out “I’M – GONNA, I’M – GONNA, I’M – GONNA – GET – YOU!” and hearing you laugh and squeal out of nervous happiness. Twisting and spinning in the bath to try and get away with the biggest smile.

When the bath and play time were done, I would sneak the plug out and smile watching you panic when you realised the water was draining away, trying to put the plug back in. With the water gone a quick lift and then wrap with your hooded towel. A check of who was in the mirror and then Mum would bring you around to say “Hi Dad!” – a big grin always there.

I miss every detail so much.
It all hurts so much.

I used to love scooping you up to get the mail. Something that should have taken about 60 seconds could so easily blow out to 60 minutes – I loved it.

Bouncing down the driveway to make you smile, holding you in the most awkward way just so you could check for letters, tricking you into getting your fingers caught. Then with no letters, it would turn into a look down the road, and then a quick walk past the latest house getting built around the corner. Even a walk to post some letters just so I could hold you. Walking back down the driveway I would look for your shadow on the neighbours fence, your kicking legs as I held you with your back to my chest,  just because. Always watching your reflection in the glass next to the door as we walked towards it – your fringe out of place from running or the wind – to make sure you were smiling.

A boring task normally – now a memory I have to resort to to find another special time with you.

Daddy would be holding you and I would always use that opportunity to come over and give you both a hug and a kiss. Then I would kiss Daddy and you would kiss us both on the cheek, like you felt you were being left out.

You would be so excited to follow me into the laundry because it was a room we didn’t spend much time in. It was a novelty for you. I would open the garage door and Pussy would rush in and you would be so happy. Then you would run and point to the back door as if to say “it’s time to go outside now.” I would pick her up you would give her a kiss then put her outside. You did this every day.

You loved Swimming. But you didn’t really like doing the activities the teacher asked. You would much rather do your own thing. Every lesson though when you were having a great time you would always look over at me to see if I was watching you and give me a big grin. I loved seeing you so happy. The teacher would tip out all the toys so the kids could collect them and put them back in the bucket, but you just liked to hold onto them. You didn’t like being on your back but Daddy tells me that on your last lesson you didn’t
mind it. You loved to walk across the floating mat from the teacher to Daddy at the end of the lesson.

After the lesson Daddy would take you to the other side of the pool for extra play time with Sebastian. You loved this because you could do whatever you wanted.

I will never forget these times or the beautiful smile on your face.

I remember the last time so well. We had Mothers Group at our house and it was a great morning. After Mothers group Sebastian got his nappy changed in your room so we went in as well to see him. As soon as Sebastian was put on the floor he started wrestling with you. It caught you by surprise but you got into it as well and loved it.

Everything ended up here. If I couldn’t find the phone it would always be under the couch.

I would kiss you constantly and you got sick of it sometimes. Daddy would sometimes tell me “OK that’s enough, leave him”. I would say that I had to kiss you lots now because when you grew up you wouldn’t let me anymore.

I’m so glad I did but it still wasn’t enough. I still have so many kisses to give you.

You liked to put the food in the microwave or blender.

I only ever gave you your dummy for sleeping. You loved your dummy. Just the white ones though – you didn’t like the new red ones I bought you. You would suck on the red one for a bit then realise something wasn’t right and give it back to me. At night sometimes your dummy would fall under the cot and I wouldn’t see it. If you were playing in your room you would search under the cot for your dummy, then be so happy to find one to suck on during the day.

You liked Toot Toot Chugga Chugga & Incy Wincy Spider.
Dad tried with Old McDonald.

This was your favourite book. You wanted me to read it over and over again. You loved the pop up pictures and you knew which one was Big Dog and which one was Little Dog. Your face lit up when I would ask you if you wanted to read this book. I would sit on the floor and lean back against your change table and you would sit inbetween my legs and listen carefully.

I miss reading with you, I would always sneak in kisses while I turned the pages.

The first thing I usually heard in the morning was the bell in your teddy. I knew you were moving around and would be up soon. Then you would babble away for a while. When I walked in sometimes you would be sitting up but when you saw me you would quickly lie down again as if to trick me that you were still sleeping. You would always give me a hug when I picked you up.

You would usually push all the books on the ground and pick the one at the very bottom

We had a routine every night. I would put on your Pyjamas then I would tell you to go find Daddy while I tidied up your dirty nappy. You would run off down the hallway so fast. I would then get your milk ready in the microwave while you kissed Daddy goodnight. I would lie you down on my bed and put you in your sleeping bag.

While you drank your milk I would lie down beside you, hold your hand and kiss you on the head or hand. I would tell you that “I love you the most and I love you forever”. I wonder if you knew what I was saying. You would then swap your bottle for your dummy and hug me as I walked you to your room.

I miss doing this so much.

You loved your bath time. I would say to you “Are we going to have a..” and you would call out “Bath!”

Sometimes I would start to ask you something else like “Are we going to have lunch” but you would cut me off an say bath and get excited.

You had just started to pick up the dance moves on the Wiggles DVD. One dance that sticks in my head was “The Flap”. I would start doing the dance moves in front of the TV and you would quickly start dancing next to me. I vividly remember the last Sunday at Nonnas when the song came on the TV you started doing The Flap on your own. I quickly called Nonna to look at you.

I remember looking at you so happy and proud and thinking how much I loved you and how lucky I was that you were my little boy.

You didn’t quite get to say “Yes”, not at least when you were supposed to, but when asked what you wanted you nailed the ‘nod’. I would ask you things just so I could see you slam your chin in to your chest and then look to the sky with the grin on your face, knowing that you may get what it was you wanted.

I remember shopping for the clothes you had to wear before the day. I remember being specific about what I wanted you to wear. You had your grey jeans, you had your black runners – you needed a plain white long sleeve top. A quick photo before we left the house to remember the day.

You were going to be everything I could not and that included being dressed in, what at least I thought, was cool timeless clothes. Not things that we would look back and say “What were we thinking”. At least that was the plan.

The day came and it was a cracker of a day. Sunny and warm in March. We walked in with you asleep in the pram. The plan was to keep it that way as long as possible. Didn’t last too long but that was OK. Straight outside to run around.

Up and down the decking, up and down the stairs. Down the long ramp and into the garden beds. Playing up with Jenna’s niece because you loved playing with girls.

Having you run around and having to chase after you was my dream come true. I would rather do that than anything else.